Sunday, November 7, 2010

30 Days of ME!! Day 13...

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear Lovie,

So... Here we are... Not seeing each other. Not talking. Nothing. I will say it has been a long road for us. I think back to the first time I saw you. I was totally caught off guard by you. You were the type of guy that I wanted and feared to get to know. So for the longest time I denied the way I felt about you with hopes that it would go away, or you would do something to make me hate you. But you did the direct opposite. You were kind, caring, hard-working and always there to talk to. It had been a long time that a guy was able to soothe me by just listening. I was drawn to that. Drawn to you and the possibility of what we could have. I was so afraid to hope.

We got closer and closer. People were even talking about he connection that we had. How real it was. How we both acted when the other was around. Again, I was afraid to hope. But I took the step to try to get to know you. Because after all, I was more into you now than ever... As I got to know you, you stayed the same. I had never seen a man like that. Like the song said "You see right through me" When I look back I am so awestruck how we could have such a connection that people that are dating for years never have. And we never became intimate. Never. Then one day you said exactly what I wanted to hear. I was so afraid at that moment. Because I knew that I was well on my way to giving you my heart and I had that feeling that you were going to break it. But I kept trying anyway.

It seemed the more I tried the less you cared. I found myself doing things that I promised that I would never do. Immature things. Acting like a teenage girl because in my teen years I was never able to do those things. All along so afraid that I was going to loose you. Oh you were there. Saying what I wanted to hear. I think you wanted to give me what I wanted. What we both wanted, but I was so afraid of what we could have. In a way I think we both were afraid. I will be honest. I did send mixed signals. There were times that I said things that I was so mad at myself for later. I was hoping that you would see my uneasiness and try to help me work through it. Show me how it all was supposed to work, after all, I had never been in a relationship before. But you didn't. You just kept me on a rope that I wasn't able to keep holding on to. There was no "will you come see me??" or "can I come see you?"s. And it hurt. It hurt me bad. Because no matter how much I wanted to be in your life, you didn't want to be in mine.

So, I gave you up. And you let me. You didn't fight for what we had. Or what we COULD have had. And you know what?? I respect that. You are where you want to be. So now I have to get to where I want to be. And for once I can say that I am. Happy. For once in 4 years I am happy. I don't cry when I think of you. Nor do I think of you all the time. Last week was crazy but AH-MAZ- ZING. And though I would have loved to share it with you, you are where you want to be. And I respect that.

And without taking any cheap shots at you (because you aren't able to give a retraction. Not that I didn't try, and delete about 3.) I am going to say this: I have learned a lot about this experience. I wish you well in all of your future en devours. Maybe one day we will have a chance. Hugs and kisses.


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