Confidence is when a kid looks at you and says "You have a big belly", you look back and say “I'm still pretty though.” And you BELIEVE it.
I BELIEVED it…
This past Saturday my mother and I were at Home Goods (which I love because it’s about home décor and I could spend HOURS looking for stuff for my home. Don’t believe me?? I have over 10 BOXES of home goods in my parents attic waiting for me to move out :P) and we were looking for sheets. A woman and her daughter (who was no more than 3 years of age) walked by and she said (exact words) “OMG she is fat. OMG you are fat. I’m just making up words.”
(First of all,
if you were just MAKING UP WORDS then you wouldn’t say that you are… You had to have heard your mother say those lines. And when you repeated them she qualified them by saying “Oh she’s just making up words”. THIS isn’t about you this is about my revelation that I love myself for the first time in 26 years.)
I didn’t say anything.
I did what I normally do and went to my mother with my wounded heart and told her what the child said and tried to run. My mother confronted the child and her mother. The child apologized (though crying through a Mississippi River of
FAKE tears) and everyone went on their way.
But it hurt. IT HURT. BAD. I’m 26. I thought we were past the age where kids say things like that. I thought I was at the age where I am seen as an adult so saying things like that is a No No!!
But that isn’t the end… No my lovelies. It is not.
That night we went to a restaurant. Mind you it was a buffet. My family doesn’t frequent these places. Not because of what we will look like but because we eat too much and we don’t like the way we feel after we eat that much. (I’m telling you. I could stay skinny if I didn’t already have 200 extra lbs on my body… And yes I said it b/c I can be honest with you and more importantly ME and say that it’s there.) But we had decided to go there b/c sometimes we just have that knack. So we went. When we got there and sat down another woman, her husband, daughter and her boyfriend sat down to have dinner. When they visited the buffet they came back. The mother took one look back and commenced to talking about my mother and I.
Now I am not the type of person that will cause confrontation. I will give you everything I have in my possession before I will fight you. My mother is the EXACT opposite. The boyfriend was trying so hard to fit in that he kept looking at us and laughing. As soon as my mom stared him down he went into uncomfortable zone. Fidgeting in his seat. Looking everywhere but at us, or even the people at his own table. (
Even though this woman gets up and she looks like she is 60 but is probably only 45, she coughed and sounded like she extracted a lung right at the table, her teeth were so bad I have no CLUE how she was able to eat her food without swallowing clumps of tobacco. But it’s not about her either.) My mother invited her to our church and everyone went on their way.
I still didn’t say anything…
and it STILL hurt…
It was not until that little 8 year old girl that was in my mentoring center today looked at me and said “You have a BIG BELLY.” was I able to say “but guess what?? I’m pretty though.”
I walked out of that place feeling better than I have in all of my life. Why you ask? Because I didn’t run and hide like a little kid. I stood up for myself. I gave ME a chance. Because I finally appreciate myself for what I have to offer. What I can give. What has been given to me. So what if I have a BIG BELLY… I can fix that. You can fix an ugly face,
or a mean personality.
I had an older brother. He died of a heart attack a month before his 21st birthday. He was a good looking guy, heavy, and could sing like a mockingbird. But one thing that he always said “yeah… I’m big. But I’m pretty though.” I never understood how he could say or think that until now.
I keep myself clean, most big people I know don’t. I keep my hair done; most women I know only know about 3 hairstyles that they rotate. I have beautiful hair, skin, and nails. Though they are small they mean a lot when you see them on a voluptuous woman. I am a woman. A great woman.
AND I LOVE MYSELF.
Like my mother always said “You need to love yourself because if you don’t then no one else will.”
Here is a song for all my pretties... Sorry for no pics. I need a new camera. :/