Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pick *me*. Choose *me*. Love *me*...



Sitting 'shot gun" in the van, she watches as what was her "best friend" gets into the other van with the man that makes the heart inside beat faster... Sit behind him and flash an award winning smile at a comment he makes... "that should be ME" she thinks. Coming back to the present and trying to make THIS trip tthe best trip she has ever made... But knowing that his eye is on someone else makes her sink back into the shadows and doubt the reason why she came...


I had a friend ask me... "Why don't you just tell him? Just be like. 'Hey. I have found myself attracted to you and even if you don't feel the same, I understand. I just wanted you to know.'" Do you know what my response was? "I don't want to do that because every time that I have done that in the past I have lost friendships. I don't want him being nice and me seeing something that isn't there get in between another good friendship. Even if I told him I KNOW he won't like me romantically."


 The next thing that she said to me has almost made me cry and sitting here thinking about it makes me want to cry again...


"When is NIKKI going to get it in her head that NIKKI is a good person to get to know? That NIKKI is a good person to love? That NIKKI has a lot of love to give and any guy would be lucky to have her??"


I know that insecurities are often what push guys away. But what happened to the guys that will push past the insecurities because they really want to get to know a girl?? I don't want to be the girl that falls for any guy that looks at her. But every time a guy is nice I seem to think "What if he likes me??" You know what the afore mentioned friend (Who also happens to be my manager at work) said "SO what?? What if he does?? You say that you don't want to be alone. If he was to like you what would you do then?"


Okayyyy.... I forgot where I was going with this... One moment please....


Ummmm... Ok... When she asked me that I got TOTALLY freaked out. Scared. Like palms sweaty and knees weak...


So how do I get past the insecurities?? Tell myself I am worthy of love too?? How do I stop letting everyone else have the man that I want and finally have the one that I want?


People are always telling me to wait. "Oh, He will be here when you are ready" or "There is someone for everyone. He'll be here soon." BUT I'M 25!!! I'm tired of waiting!! Then when I think about him, it scares me to pieces. I don't want to believe that someone may want to be with me then loose them. I came close to that one time and it about did me in.


So what do I do?? Look in the mirror everyday and say "I am good enough to love"? This is so confusing...And this whole blogging thing is sad because it's supposed to be therapeutic and it's not really working yet...


Keyword: YET


(Looking in the mirror) "You are worthy of Love"... Didn't really work that time but will keep trying... (shrugs)

1 comment:

Weesha said...

This post gives me goosebumps- I was in a similar dilemma a while ago and it ended with him rejecting me. I would still go through that again though, there's something amazing about picking yourself up from rock bottom. I got stronger and wiser somehow.
I'm not saying you'll get rejected. I used to be the girl who would fall for someone who treated me like crap because it validated all the self hate I had.
You deserve to be happy, you owe yourself to at least try! You are a smart, kind and wonderful girl <3
And if it doesn't work out, you have good friends to rely on and it just means he wasn't the right one for you. At least you'll be moving forward in what ever direction life takes you.